Pookman

A day in the life (concluded):

08:02 PM – I awake from my last in my series of daily naps, only to realize I have slept through supper, leaving me doubly hungry.
08:09 PM – I prepare and consume a frozen pizza for my supper.
08:52 PM – I prepare and consume a second frozen pizza as my other supper.
09:59 PM – Making my way to bed, I realize that Girlfriend is not dead (as was previously believed), but has merely slept the entire day.  This is the most likely reason why I love her so much.
10:00 PM – We make love… while being watched by the cat.  The cat’s enthrallment leads me to wonder whether the animal is simply curious or perhaps perverted.  The fact that my mind has wandered this far from the task at hand is a subtle but astute commentary on the state of our relationship.
10:04 PM – Snoozin’.
10:06 PM – I think I hear Girlfriend ask me why her pizza has a bicycle on it, and politely ask her to repeat herself.
10:07 PM – Girlfriend repeats herself, again asking me why her pizza has a bicycle on it.  I state that I do not understand her, and I politely inquire as to what she’s been smoking.
10:08 PM – Girlfriend snores, providing support for my emerging hypothesis that she is not of this plane of consciousness.
10:10 PM – I notice an acute, severe craving for pizza.
10:27 PM – I prepare and consume a third frozen pizza as the day’s last meal.
10:44 PM – I take a nap.

Andrew R. Juhl would like to thank everyone who followed him throughout the day throughout the week, but he’s napping.

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The above Ledge is © the Daily Iowan and Andrew R. Juhl.
It was originally published in the Daily Iowan.
It expresses the opinions and sense of humor of its author,
not those of the Daily Iowan, the University of Iowa, or its students.

A day in the life (continued):

04:07 PM – I awake from my latest in a series of daily naps.
04:08 PM – I realize I am naked and in a place I do not recognize.  Again, as this is not a weekend, I am somewhat troubled.
04:09 PM – I note that FOX News is playing on a television in the corner of the room, confirming I am in enemy territory.
04:10 PM –I struggle to my feet and take stock in the situation.  To my left, there is a dead prostitute with three bullets in her chest.  To my right, there is pile of my clothes and an empty bottle of Scotch.  On the table before me lay a suicide note.  Stock in my situation is currently plummeting.
04:11 PM – I come to the obvious conclusion that someone drugged me, brought me to this prostitute’s apartment, and gave me a gun.  I, upon realizing that the prostitute was writing a suicide note, shot her three times in the chest to prevent her from killing herself.  As a self-congratulation for my own good deed, I stripped naked and consumed an entire bottle of Scotch, as is my usual wont.  You see? Obvious.
04:12 PM – But that leaves the unanswered question: why FOX News?  Why FOX News?!  WHY FOX NEWS?!?!
04:07 PM – In a cold sweat, I awake from my latest in a series of daily naps, realizing the proceeding was all a dream: the television is off, I see no gun, my Scotch bottle Scotch is almost full, and the prostitute I hired is still very much alive (and drooling like a Great Dane two minutes before dinner).
04:09 PM – I take a nap.

Andrew R. Juhl concludes his odyssey tomorrow…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The above Ledge is © the Daily Iowan and Andrew R. Juhl.
It was originally published in the Daily Iowan.
It expresses the opinions and sense of humor of its author,
not those of the Daily Iowan, the University of Iowa, or its students.

A day in the life (continued):

09:43 AM – Seeing as it’s almost 10, and therefore almost 11, and therefore almost noon, I decide to make lunch.
09:44 AM – I consider making pasta or perhaps a nice chicken cordon blue.
09:45 AM – I end up deciding on grilled cheese because those other options are too much work.
09:48 AM – Looking through my cupboards, I realize that I am out of butter.  And cheese.  And bread.
09:50 AM – I walk to the store.  To buy butter.  And cheese.  And bread.  The irony of how much work my easy lunch has become is not lost on me.
10:05 AM – En route, I notice the clear blue sky and take the chance to stare at the sun.
10:06 AM – I blink.  (Sun: 3,204; Andrew: 0.)
10:20 AM – At the store, Post Raisin Bran is on special.  This fact makes me very excited.  The fact that this fact makes me very excited makes me very sad.
10:27 AM – I make my purchase and walk home. (Sun: 3,205; Andrew: 0.)
11:32 AM – I devour The Tastiest Grilled Cheese Sandwich Ever.
12:13 PM – Bad cheese.
12:18 PM – Very bad cheese.  Bathroom 20 feet away.  May be too far to walk.
12:19 PM – Colon under heavy attack.  Hull breach imminent.
12:22 PM – Situation stabilized.  Contaminants ejected.  Smell might kill neighbors.  Girlfriend already dead.
12:23 PM – KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Andrew R. Juhl continues his odyssey tomorrow…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The above Ledge is © the Daily Iowan and Andrew R. Juhl.
It was originally published in the Daily Iowan.
It expresses the opinions and sense of humor of its author,
not those of the Daily Iowan, the University of Iowa, or its students.

A day in the life (continued):

08:37 AM – Short of breath, I groggily awake to find a furry alien sitting on my chest, licking its lips while staring intently at my nose.
08:38 AM – I realize this creature not to be a furry alien, but Merriam, one of my two cats.  Merriam, presciently sensing her cover as a cuddly extraterrestrial furmonster might be blown, bites my nose.
08:39 AM – My distressed cries carry upstairs, where Girlfriend still sleeps.  Startled, Girlfriend gets up, walks across the bedroom, and shuts the door, drowning out my cacophony of anguish.
08:40 AM – Resigned to the fact that must fight this fight unassisted—mano a gato—I attempt to gingerly extricate Merriam from my face with a well-placed fist.  Webster, presciently sensing that Happy-Happy Fun Time in Edible Face City is soon to be over, lets loose his mighty masticating mandibles from my mauled muzzle with a maniacal meow of malevolent malfeasance.
08:53 AM – I come to, tasting blood on my lips.  As this is a not a weekend, I am somewhat troubled.
08:55 AM – Wiping my bloody nose and face on my pajama shirt, I swear eternal vengeance against my feline tormenter.
08:56 AM – Upon noticing the clock, I realize I should be at work in 4 minutes, so I haul ass upstairs, shower, brush my teeth, curl my hair, get dressed, and run out the door towards work.
08:57 AM – Sonic boom.
08:59 AM – Arrive at work.  It’s Veterans Day.  Work is closed.
09:00 AM – I contemplate how early it’s socially acceptable to begin drinking on a Tuesday.

Andrew R. Juhl continues his odyssey tomorrow…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The above Ledge is © the Daily Iowan and Andrew R. Juhl.
It was originally published in the Daily Iowan.
It expresses the opinions and sense of humor of its author,
not those of the Daily Iowan, the University of Iowa, or its students.

A day in the life of Andrew R. Juhl:

05:30 AM – Girlfriend’s alarm goes off, waking me 90 minutes before I need to get up.
05:31 AM – Girlfriend mumbles something half-intelligible about hating waking up, hits the snooze button, and promptly returns to sleep.
05:32 AM – I wonder why, if Girlfriend hates getting up so much, she has elected to do it again in 8 minutes.
05:40 AM – Girlfriend’s alarm goes off, waking me 80 minutes before I need to get up.
05:41 AM – Girlfriend mumbles something half-intelligible about hating waking up, hits the snooze button, and promptly returns to sleep.
05:42 AM – I wonder why I stay in a relationship wherein I must endure such ridiculousness a daily basis.  Aloud.  Angrily.  Directly in Girlfriend’s ear.
05:43 AM – Girlfriend rouses from her slumber long enough to politely ask me to perform sexual intercourse with myself.
05:50 AM – Girlfriend’s alarm goes off, waking me 70 minutes before I need to get up.
05:55 AM – I get up 65 minutes before I need to.  Pissed, tired, and cranky. I ponder how to best use this extra hour of my day.
05:57 AM – I put on my running shoes, sweatpants, and a sweatshirt, then bound downstairs toward the treadmill.
05:58 AM – Finding the television remote in the treadmill’s cup holder (where Girlfriend always leaves it), I turn on the television and make myself a gargantuan bowl of sugary cereal.
06:00 AM – SportsCenter!

Andrew R. Juhl continues his odyssey tomorrow…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The above Ledge is © the Daily Iowan and Andrew R. Juhl.
It was originally published in the Daily Iowan.
It expresses the opinions and sense of humor of its author,
not those of the Daily Iowan, the University of Iowa, or its students.

What you should know about Penn State Nittany Lions:

• PSU and Michigan State play each year for the Land Grant Trophy, a celebration of two things: (1) colleges that, historically speaking, require government handouts and (2) only inviting two of the seven cow colleges in their conference to play.
• The Nittany Lions’ home field is Beaver Stadium, also known as “Happy Valley,” a spacious hollow that can accommodate 107,282 men.  (Or, I guess, women.  This is college, after all).
• Hawkeye fans, this weekend you might hear someone reference “The Beast from the East.”  Fear not!  That’s just another nickname for PSU’s football program; I’m pretty sure two-time WBA Heavyweight Champion Nikolai Valuev is currently cross-training in Petrograd.
• Joe Paterno’s so old, he wrote the first “Your momma’s so old” joke.
• According to a July 27th episode of ESPN’s Emmy-winning Outside the Lines, at least 46 different PSU football players have been charged with a combined 163 criminal counts since 2002, resulting in 27 players pleading guilty to 45 crimes.  That’s ridiculous!  What kind of self-respecting collegiate athletics program allows their players to plead guilty?!
• The Coach’s Poll currently has PSU ranked as the second best college football team in the nation.  A lesser man would make a reference here about “Number 2” being a pseudonym for human excrement.  A lesser man is I.

Andrew R. Juhl heard that President-elect Obama supports a playoff system for the college football championship, and he wholeheartedly agrees, thinking this should be a top priority for the new administration.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The above Ledge is © the Daily Iowan and Andrew R. Juhl.
It was originally published in the Daily Iowan.
It expresses the opinions and sense of humor of its author,
not those of the Daily Iowan, the University of Iowa, or its students.

Haiku: The Return.

A distinct mixture
of fear, sadness, entrapment.
Will you marry me?

Waterproof speakers?!
World’s smallest dancing robot ?!
Oh thank you Sky Mall!

College teaches you
the importance of learning,
but after the fact.

The bar was hoppin’.
Lots of respectable gals.
So we went elsewhere.

You cheated on me?
I’d have expected better
from my own mistress!

Need another beer.
Too drunk to walk to the bar.
Where’s that damned waitress?

You give and you give,
and while I could use some help,
please keep your two cents.

Anorexia.
I do not suffer from it.
But thanks for asking!

“Will people be hurt?”
“Possibly Simon Cowell.”
“Then do it three times.”

Adrienne Barbeau,
a talent beyond compare.
And not a bad rack.

If I knew baking
like I know love-making, then
I’d be bad at both.

Andrew R. Juhl
can’t believe he made it here:
Ledge three ninety-nine!

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The above Ledge is © the Daily Iowan and Andrew R. Juhl.
It was originally published in the Daily Iowan.
It expresses the opinions and sense of humor of its author,
not those of the Daily Iowan, the University of Iowa, or its students.

Places That Will Have a New President as of January 20, 2009:

• Alabama
• Alaska
• Arizona
• Arkansas
• California
• Colorado
• Connecticut
• Delaware
• District of Columbia
• Florida
• Georgia
• Hawaii
• Idaho
• Illinois
• Indiana
• Iowa
• Kansas
• Kentucky
• Louisiana
• Maine
• Maryland
• Massachusetts
• Michigan
• Minnesota
• Mississippi
• Missouri
• Montana
• Nebraska
• Nevada
• New Hampshire
• New Jersey
• New Mexico
• New York
• North Carolina
• North Dakota
• Ohio
• Oklahoma
• Oregon
• Pennsylvania
• Rhode Island
• South Carolina
• South Dakota
• Tennessee
• Texas
• Utah
• Vermont
• Virginia
• Washington
• West Virginia
• Wisconsin
• Wyoming

Andrew R. Juhl recognizes this isn’t funny.  It’s not supposed to be.  Whether you voted for the candidate that won, the candidate that lost, or didn’t vote at all, you’re here for the next four years, just like everybody else.  Let’s work together.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The above Ledge is © the Daily Iowan and Andrew R. Juhl.
It was originally published in the Daily Iowan.
It expresses the opinions and sense of humor of its author,
not those of the Daily Iowan, the University of Iowa, or its students.

Things to look for this evening:

• In a last-ditch effort to salvage the election, John McCain (with a live camera crew) will fly to Pakistan, personally hunt down Osama bin Laden, find him in under an hour thanks to “newly uncovered” intelligence from the Bush Administration, punch him in the face, then give him a wedgie and an exploding cigar.
• In a last-ditch effort to lose the election, Joe Biden (with a live camera crew) will reveal to the world that—while Barak Obama isn’t a Muslim—Biden definitely is.  Also, his al-Qaeda application was recently approved.
• The indignant zombie of Mr. Blackwell will ruthlessly castigate the Election Day fashion decisions of Cindy McCain, Michelle Obama, and an unreservedly folksy lipstick-wearing pig.
• At least one former SNL cast member will be elected to the United States Senate (way to go, Chris Kattan!)
• A solitary tear of defeat will slowly roll down the cheek of Bob Barr’s ludicrously-mustachioed face.
• John Kerry will release a statement regarding how he fully expects nobody to read the statement he just released.
• Al Gore will smile, happy he’s no longer an integral part of the 3-ring circus of American politics.
• There’s both a “House” marathon on USA and a “Law & Order” marathon on TNT!
• If Obama wins, a surfeit of fishes and loaves.
• If McCain wins, a surfeit of “For Sale By Owner” signs in front of hastily-evacuated houses.
• Landslides!

Andrew R. Juhl is serious: GO VOTE.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The above Ledge is © the Daily Iowan and Andrew R. Juhl.
It was originally published in the Daily Iowan.
It expresses the opinions and sense of humor of its author,
not those of the Daily Iowan, the University of Iowa, or its students.

Things that may happen if you haven’t voted by the time the polls close on Tuesday:

• Every birthday will henceforth make you 5 years older.
• Evil Ryu and Good Ryu will team-up to battle M. Bison and Chun-Li, but you won’t be invited to watch.
• That thing on your lower back will prove cancerous.  And sentient.  And have bad taste in contemporary literature.
• Equal marriage rights will be granted to the Mole People of the Underdark.
• Landmark court decisions like Freddy Vs. Jason will be overturned.
• Cats and small dogs will put their differences behind them, unite, then mount and ride the larger dogs into battle against the oncoming Hordes of Chaos.
• Your testicles will shrink to the size of cashews.  Unless you’re a woman, in which case you will grow large testicles… which will then shrink to the size of cashews.
• For next four years, whenever you have sex, your mouth will taste like burnt pennies.
• Willard Scott will behead Dick Clark in a two-man sword battle, releasing the final Quickening and ending the last Gathering.  Or will it?
• P. Diddy will come to where you live, eat all your cookies, and then take a massive crap in your favorite chair.
• War.  Famine.  Pestilence.  Possibly another season of Knight Rider.
• Cloris Leachman will never dance again.

Andrew R. Juhl thanks Joe, Becca, Erik, Lindsay, Christen, Michelle, and anyone else who has acted as a sound board for jokes lately.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The above Ledge is © the Daily Iowan and Andrew R. Juhl.
It was originally published in the Daily Iowan.
It expresses the opinions and sense of humor of its author,
not those of the Daily Iowan, the University of Iowa, or its students.